To what extent are our lives like the ones we see on the silver screen?
Maybe it’s the existentialist post-high school grad in me that’s too caught up in reflecting on her high school years, or maybe it’s the countless high-school/college based dramas I’ve binge-watched on Netflix that have lead me to think that I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing with my social life right now.
I think about college and a quintessential part of it that comes to mind are alcohol and partying — two things that I stayed far FAR away from in high school. When you include things like high school romances and sex and all that jazz, I feel like my role as a casual watcher of a lot of shows like Riverdale or Gossip Girl, has led me to possibly become a not-so-casual observer of my entire life. Should I be wanting to party or try alcohol/drugs, because honestly I don’t and have no desire to do so. Should I want to have a boyfriend and go to whatever promiscuous bases with them, because I honestly never really think about that either (I mean, yeah I’ve had the flippant crush here and there, but never with people I spoke more than 5 words too and it was more of a shallow “I think you’re super attractive in a cool way” kinda deal). To make things worse, every surreal happy or sad moment I actually see on television, I perceive as too idealized to ever happen to me. Every time I see some sappy on-screen kiss or some character going off-the-rails from a traumatic experience, only for a moment do I think “this could happen to me”, but immediately after, I dismiss the thought and resign to my boring, vanilla life. At the end of the day, it’s like I’m at this crossroads of being too immature by not experiencing any of these things that are supposed to be quintessentially high school, but also too mature, because that’s the thing, it’s just not everything to me and I focus on other things. Of course, I’m no star. I’m always distracted by other things and you’ve heard enough about my Netflix-addiction, but in the time throughout high school that I haven’t spent wondering what getting high off a dime bag of weed is like or spending all hours with some guy I’m supposedly in love with yet all we know about each other are our favorite colors and our favorite restaurant open after 10 p.m., I have spent that time doing things I find meaningful with my time, like learning new things I’ll never have the chance to learn when I’m older or spending time with friends who will always mean the world to me (and are also mostly just as “straight-edge and proud” as I am…. most of them that is 🙂 ). So yeah, maybe I never had (or even wanted) a “Jess”, “Dean”, or “Logan” to my Rory, or want to know what it’s like to be cross-faded or black-out drunk at a house party, but when I’m ready to *gasp* date, or step out of my comfort zone (tbh probably will always be a straight-edge Sally, don’t wanna get your hopes up), I want it to feel as if I’m the star of the show, but also completely aware that this is in fact, real life, not an idealized fantasy.
But let us not forget that the high school chapter of my life is finished, and who knows what college will bring to the table. I may want to grab some popcorn.
P.S. – Don’t worry, I am totally casually ignoring the fact I haven’t posted since March 🙂